he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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