that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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