I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
