you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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