Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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