I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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