Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
