She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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