i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
