No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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