so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
