When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we're making bets on your personal life
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The power of my boobs compel you
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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