Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
