no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
