you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
