In the future we'll all be gay
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize