I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
