My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
