I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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