her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
