Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
