i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
