yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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