y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
