My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
