You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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