So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize