you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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