I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
