So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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