I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
