My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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