Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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