toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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