A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
