Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
