My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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