Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
