I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
