You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
