Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
