p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
