I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
