That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
