drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
