So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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