Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
