If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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