you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
