You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
