You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
