How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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