I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize