I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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