So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
