Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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