the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
