I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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